DEMENTIA ~ Sad but Sometimes Funny

by Danna Shirley

My mother, Elsie Mae (Daugherty) Goines, is 96, born August 19, 1919, and has been pretty healthy until recently and pretty sharp mentally—sometimes! We all thought Nana would go before Pa but Pa passed away in 2010. Then we thought she wouldn’t last much longer after losing her life-mate of 68 years, and Pa even said as much, but that was six years ago.

Then we all thought maybe God was keeping her here so she could get saved. She has refused for years to talk about Jesus to anyone although she was raised in church. That’s a mystery yet to be solved because she sticks her hand up and says, “I won’t talk religion.” So on that fateful day when she said she “loved Jesus,” we thought, “Okay, Lord, she’s ready to go home and be with You now.”                                                  

We all thought when she had a seizure in April 2015, she wouldn’t last much longer but hospice kicked her out of their program after a few months. She hardly had the strength to lift her head at first and now she walks the length of the deck twice a day with her walker.

So where is the “funny” in all of this? Well, it is sad but it’s also funny what trickles into her mind and comes out of her mouth.

Did you know my sister, Nan, stole her red oval tablecloth? No matter that Nan has a square table and her own red tablecloth, but we can’t convince Nana otherwise.

Did you know my sister, Paula, is my mother’s sister? Nana still talks to her about the good old days when they grew up together? She must be thinking of her sisters Edna and Verna.

Did you know I shut the car door on Nana’s head and all her teeth fell out? No matter that she still has all her teeth and I sure didn’t slam her head in the car door!!!

And then there’s the insistence she’s not sleeping in the room she’s always slept in and her room is a “dungeon” and “this is not my bed” and “where are my clothes” and “everyone is mean to me” and “who stole this or that or whatever” and the male caregiver is her “suiter” and “where is that Daugherty boy?” actually her grandson, David Nelson.

Immediately after the seizure, Nana’s memories were of her childhood when she was about ten years old. She talked about her parents and siblings but didn’t know or mention any of the siblings born after that age. Although Pa was the love of her life, she never mentioned him because they didn’t meet until they were teenagers.

Later, as she progressed through her memories and up to the present, there were many accusations of “why didn’t you tell me Pa had died, that Verna, Margaret, and Jeannie had died?” And her confusion goes on and on . . .

Caregiving a dementia person can be very exasperating, frustrating, and very, very stressful. You know their facts are wrong, their memories are skewed, and so you want to correct them but it does no good because they either argue with you or won’t remember it the next time anyway.

In learning about caregiving a dementia patient, we also learned how to take care of ourselves. We need much care as well, especially if we’ve been caregiving for an extended length of time. I was in this position for over two years and my sister, Paula, has been doing it for over four years now, beginning with her husband’s Parkinson’s, and now with our mother’s dementia —and still counting.

How Caregivers Can Nurture Themselves

·        Eat well-balanced meals Take a daily multivitamin. Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day.

·        Exercise daily 15 min of stretching, yoga, calisthenics, or walking. Use the stairs.

·        Go outdoors Fresh air renews the body and spirit even if only briefly. Open a window.

·        Get your zzz's Strive for 7-8 hours of consecutive sleep in a 24-hr period. Nap!

·        Treat yourself Get treatments for your own aches and pains before they turn into something serious.

·        Don't ignore your emotions Pay attention to how you feel, seek counseling, vent.

·        Take time for yourself Use relaxation or stress management methods; play soft music.

·        Read, pray, or meditate for at least 15 minutes a day Consume daily prayer books and helpful magazines like Today's Caregiver and Caring Today, or books such as Chicken Soup for the Caregiver's Soul to uplift your spirits. Seek the counsel of a spiritual leader you trust and respect.

·        Chuckle more often Laugh, reminisce, and share stories of happy times.

·        Ask for help Friends, family, religious groups may be eager to assist and are only waiting to be asked and directed. Doing everything yourself deprives others of serving you.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother, but after living through these “caregiving” episodes for the last few years, I have given my own children strict orders about my care:

Kristen, Russell, Aaron:

I want you to realize not only the heartache but the backache and the headache that a caregiver goes through in dealing with someone in this condition and I won’t put you through it. I want to assure you when and if I ever get to the point that I am a burden to you, I demand that you put me in a nursing home or wherever my need may be at the time, and there will be no guilt trip involved whatsoever!

If I’m in my right mind, you know I will make friends and participate in activities and have a grand old time socializing. If I am not in my right mind, then it won’t matter anyway. If being in a nursing home will send me on to be with Jesus and your Dad that much faster, then please send me on my way. I want to go to heaven—this world is not my home.

You get on with your lives and with your own families and don’t worry about me. I love you all too much to put you through the weight of caregiving.

Kristen says, "You're a witness! You heard her!” 

Russell has no comment.

Aaron says, “Where do I sign! Where do I sign!”

Oh, how I love my kids! J J J