How Do I Get Through Loss

I, Danna, received the following email from a relative that had lost her husband six months earlier. Since I could relate to her grief having lost my own husband, Ron, twenty years ago, she thought I would have some words of wisdom to help her get through this tremendous loss. 

She asked several questions that I tried to answer according to my own process and how God helped me. I have written her question first and then my answer. I will not use their real names for privacy reasons; I will call them John and Mary.

My reply to her email:

I’ve been praying how to answer everything you mentioned. Maybe you’ve come to me because I’ve lived through what you’re going through now. Maybe you think I have some answers to help you get through this…but Honey, everyone deals with it differently. I can only point you to the Lord and to the Holy Spirit’s comfort.

If we can revisit every one of your thoughts, you might see clearly that satan has laid a guilt trip on you so you will never find peace about this. He has stirred up in your thinking all kinds of anguish, regret, blame, and torment to keep your focus off of God and His healing power and on everything you think YOU COULD HAVE DONE. The answer is there is NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE!

We are all appointed a number of days in this life. God is in control. I know you’re suffering but if you will think of John, he is in heaven with his Savior…no more pain, no more injections, no more concern or worry about diabetes, NO MORE SUFFERING! And you will be with him some day because you made the most wonderful decision of your life years ago…Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior.

If we compare my losing Ron to you losing John, I would have much worse regrets than you because you did everything right and I did nothing right.

Mary: If I would have asked God more or harder, He may have given John back to me?

Me: I was sleeping in the other room when God and Ron were having their last moments on this earth together. I had no chance to ask God anything. Ron had been gone for hours before I found him. However, in a split second you jumped into action. No one could have been any faster. 

Mary: I feel I did something wrong.

Me: I shoulda, coulda, woulda…if I’d only known what was happening in his body but I was clueless because Ron never shared the extent of his pain. Even the doctor knew he had pneumonia but couldn’t convince him to go in the hospital.

Mary: Should I have called 911 faster?

Me: I got up, showered, dressed, walked by our bed several times thinking Ron was sleeping so I didn’t want to disturb him. I was ready to walk out the door and go to work when GOD had to get my attention to check on him. Then I called 911.

Mary: Should I have pushed harder during CPR?

Me: The 911 operator told me to get Ron out of bed and lie him flat on the floor. I can’t remember anything after that. I had a CPR lesson at the Fire Dept but Ron was already cold to the touch. The paramedics arrived.

Mary: If I had pleaded to the Lord more?

Me: Ron was gone. I was numb. I called my pastor and just sat in the living room and waited for him to arrive and then more ladies from the church arrived. I had no thoughts of what to do next. I let everyone else just carry me along.

Mary: I should have gone to the doctor with John!

Me: Ron had been sick for weeks before he finally went to the doctor the day before he died. He would have never let me go with him. I didn’t know the doctor wanted to put him in the hospital until he came to the funeral and told me. If only Ron would have told me how much he was hurting; breathing was difficult and painful. So why didn’t he go to the doctor sooner. Why didn't he go to the hospital? Why didn’t I question him more. But I couldn’t ask God “why” because there was no answer that would satisfy. I had to give it to God and let it go.

Mary: Is it my fault John's doctor didn’t catch his blockage earlier?

Me: How can you blame yourself for what the doctor didn’t do? She’s the one that was supposed to be knowledgeable about John's health.

I guess I could have blamed Ron’s doctor but Ron made these decisions himself. If I had forced myself on him to go to the doctor or made him go to the ER later that night, our last moments together would have been a fight because he was a stubborn man, like all stubborn men. I would only have that memory as our last time together. You have good memories and I hang on to my good memories, too.

Mary: I could have just texted the doctor before John showed up.

Me: The doctor already knew Ron had pneumonia and should be hospitalized. MAYBE if he had said, “You’ll die if I don’t put you in the hospital,” it might have made Ron realize he was on the verge of death…MAYBE the doctor did tell him that. I don’t know. Ron refused to go. He had a tremendous work ethic and fully intended to be better in a day or so and go back to work.

Mary: What am I supposed to do?

Me:  I would focus on the good years you had with John, the blessings of a good marriage and the grandchildren he gave you. I don’t want to just spout obvious scriptures but there is comfort in the Word of God.

*  Mary, you’re mentally under attack from the enemy telling you lies. Rebuke him in Jesus’ name. Get thee behind me satan!

*  Mary, put the armor of the breastplate over your heart so the fiery darts of the enemy’s lies will fall to the ground ineffective. 

*  Mary, think on these things: the true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, and excellence of a godly husband, John, and be thankful.

So, what would God have you to do now, Mary? 

Is there a purpose for you now, Mary? 

Yes, find it and walk in it.  

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts Mary in all her troubles, so that Mary can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort Mary herself has received from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also Mary 's comfort abounds through Christ.” (2 Cor 1:3-5 NIV)

I hope this helps, Honey. I'm always here when you want to talk. Love you...

Mary's reply to my email:

Thank you for all of your answers. I had been asking God daily to heal my heart and let me get thru this day. The last week or so I have been so busy with yard work here and have forgotten to ask God to help me. I think that’s when the doubt really started creeping in (Satan). I will get back to a daily talk with the Lord. He has given me signs and I have seen them with my own eyes. He is watching me, I just need to let Him lead me. It is so hard to think that John is never going to walk through that door again, it just crushes me. 

Love you so much...

MEANINGLESS ~ Ecclesiastes

by Solomon

FUTILITY

Everything is meaningless, completely meaningless! (1:2)

Everything is wearisome beyond description; we are never satisfied nor content. (1:8)

We don't remember the past, and future generations won't remember what we are doing now. (1:11)

I observed everything going on and it is all meaningless--like chasing the wind. (1:14)

The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow. (1:18)

Pleasure, too, is meaningless and laughter is silly. (2:1-2)

Seeking wisdom, I clutched foolishness. (2:3)

I tried to find meaning by building homes and planting vineyards, gardens, and parks. (2:5)

I built reservoirs to collect water, bought slaves, owned herds and flocks, collected silver and gold, and hired singers. I had everything a man could desire! (2:6-8)

I found great pleasure in hard work but it was all so meaningless; nothing was worthwhile. (2:10-11)

The wise and the foolish share the same fate--death, and both will be forgotten. (2:14-16)

I came to hate life. Everything is so troubling and meaningless. (2:17)

I gave up in despair. (2:20)

Leaving the fruit of all your efforts to one who hasn't earned it is a great tragedy. (2:21)

My days of labor are filled with anxiety, pain, and grief; it is all meaningless. (2:22-23)

Food, drink, and satisfaction in work are from God; from these pleasures He gives wisdom, knowledge, and joy. (2:24-26)

There is a season and a time for everything... born/die, plant/harvest, kill/heal, tear down/build up, cry/laugh, grieve/dance, scatter/gather, embrace/turn away, search/quit, keep/throw away, tear/mend, quiet/speak, love/hate, war/peace. (3:1-8)

God has made everything beautiful for its own time; He has planted eternity in the human heart but we cannot see the whole scope of God's work. (3:11)

My conclusion: Be happy, eat, drink, enjoy the fruit of our labor for these are gifts from God. (3:12-13)

Whatever God does is final; nothing can be added to or taken from it. (3:14)

Even the courts of law are evil and corrupt. God will judge both good and bad for their deeds. (3:16-17)

People and animals share the same fate--both breathe and both die. They came from dust, they return to dust. (3:19-20)

I observed oppression and tears with no one to comfort; victims are helpless. (4:1)

Envy is meaningless. (4:4)

To work hard and gain wealth, to be alone and have no one to leave it to is meaningless and depressing. (4:8)

Two people are better than one for they can help each other. Three are even better for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (4:9-12)

It is better to be a poor but wise youth that can rise from poverty and succeed. Yet he can be replaced by another who rejects him so it is all meaningless. (4:13-16)

It is evil to make mindless offerings and rash promises to God, so let your words be few. (5:1-2)

When you make a promise to God, don't delay in keeping it. Don't let the words of your mouth make you sin. Talk is cheap, fear God instead. (5:4-7)

How meaningless to think wealth and the love of money brings true happiness. (5:10)

Hoarding riches harms the saver; we can't take it with us. (5:13-15)

It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work during their short life; receive wealth from God and good health to enjoy it. It is indeed a gift from God. (5:18-19)

God gives great wealth and honor to some but then they die and others enjoy it. This is a sickening tragedy. (6:1-2)

A man's birth may be meaningless and end in darkness--what's the use? (6:3-6)

Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don't have. To dream about nice things is meaningless. (6:9)

Who knows how our meaningless days can be spent. Our lives are like a shadow. (6:12)

WISDOM

A good reputation is more valuable than costly perfume. (7:1)

Better to be criticized by a wise person than be praised by a fool. (7:5)

Finishing is better than starting and patience is better than pride. (7:8)

Control your temper; anger labels you a fool. (7:9)

Wisdom and money can get you almost anything but only wisdom saves your life. (7:12)

Accept the way God does things; who can straighten what He has made crooked. (7:13)

God created people to be virtuous but they each follow their own path. (7:29)

Wisdom lights up a person's face, softening its harshness. (8:1)

Obey your vow, do your duty, don't plot evil. (8:2-3)

None of us can prevent the day of our death. (8:8)

When a crime is not punished quickly, people feel it is safe to do wrong. (8:11)

No one can discover everything God is doing. Not even the wisest people discover everything. (8:17)

Live happily with the woman you love. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil. Whatever you do, do well. (9:9-10)

Better to hear the quiet words of a wise person than the shouts of a foolish king. (9:16)

Better to have wisdom than weapons of war. (9:18)

A wise person chooses the right road. (10:2)

A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes. (10:4)

It is a grave mistake to give low positions to people of proven worth. (10:6)

The value of wisdom helps you succeed. (10:10)

Wise words bring approval. (10:12)

Divide your investments among many places, for you do not know what risks might lie ahead. (11:2)

Plant your seed in the morning and keep busy all afternoon, for you don't know if profit will come from one activity or another--or both. (11:6)

It's wonderful to be young. Enjoy every minute. Do everything you want, take it all in. But remember that you must give an account to God for everything you do. (11:9)

Refuse to worry and keep your body healthy. (11:10)

Don't let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator. Honor Him. Remember Him while you are young. (12:1-6)

The words of the wise are like cattle prods--painful but helpful. (12:11)

Fear God and obey His commands, for this is everyone's duty. God will judge everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad. (12:13-14)

AN OBSTACLE COURSE ON FORGIVENESS

 By Danna Shirley ~ October 2022 

      I say “An Obstacle Course” because that is what it is; one step forward, two back, sidestep the enemy’s tactics, go around and come at it another way!

     I've been a Christian for 42 years now. As a new Christian, the thing that helped me grow (and blessed me) was hearing testimonies of how God worked in His children's lives to bring them through difficult situations, trials, etc. and into blessings, or at least to the answers that helped them through those events in their lives. 

     To lay a brief foundation, my mother died in June 2021. The Trust she and my father had originated was changed after he died. No details here other than the fact that the Trust was now disproportionate. The inequity of the distribution was secondary to the hurt and betrayal to one of our family members who deserved the best and received the worst.

     So why must we go through relationship/family issues that create such problems? Why? Is it because God always has a lesson for us to learn so we can grow and mature to be a worthy vessel used by Him? Here is one of my favorite scriptures in times like these: 

     "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." (2 Cor 1:3-5)

     Do we go through these ‘trials’ so we can comfort others with the same comfort we have received from God? Yes, but it is also to mature us in our walk from drinking the milk of the Word to digesting the spiritual meat of the Word.

     Testimonies are what God uses to share lessons learned, to teach others from those lessons learned, and to help all of us who receive the message to grow in grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (2 Peter 3:18). What I share here is the path God has helped me to travel from unforgiveness and all the emotions associated with it to forgiveness and all the benefits added to my spiritual walk. God has helped me reach my breakthrough and arrive into healing. 

     I would like to add here, though, when discussing forgiveness during Bible study one week, my teacher made this statement: “We can walk in unconditional love without having unconditional approval.” Even God gives His unconditional love but not His unconditional approval. That’s why He works on us to change us into His image (Rom 8:29). Amen!

     I don’t want to paint a pretty picture of just one side of this issue. Although I did not speak or have arguments with the other side concerning the Trust, I was still not innocent in my thoughts and words. I went to my pastor and poured out my anger and hurt and even said I had hate in my heart over this betrayal. I told him I DID NOT want these emotions in my spirit anymore. He let me vent and held my hand as I cried and cried. I can’t remember all that he prayed, but it was powerful. It was like the Holy Spirit poked a pin in my hate-filled balloon and let all the air out, the gunk, the muck, the bitterness, the unforgiveness, etc. It was the beginning of my healing…but not the end. I still had to walk through, day by day, time by time, into a cleansing that only God can complete in us.

     I stated the ‘offense’ would be brief but this testimony is not. Please hang in here with me...

     So, it's been 1½ years now that I've dealt with this issue. For me, forgiveness has been a process. The point is, we can resist God's appeal or we can allow it to enter our heart. I eventually got to the point to allow Him to move His Spirit into my spirit.

     Saturday, October 15^th ~ Satan’s last-ditch effort to continue with this unforgiveness issue occurred when I attended a family reunion in Van Buren, AR. Having to face the offending party just stirred up all the emotions again. I lived through a whole week of reliving the details in my mind. Egad! Why do we punish ourselves in this way?  

     Sunday, October 23^rd ~ I attended my worship service at Legacy Church in Bartlett, TN. When I got home later, I wrote out all that happened while it was fresh in my mind and heart:

     We had a guest missionary who preached but I couldn’t tell you what it was about. My thoughts have constantly dwelt, pondered, rehashed, revisited all the hurts, rejection, disloyalty, etc. that has taken place over the last few years. The family, the Trust, the betrayal…my physical heart within my chest has been gripped with a strong vice…thoughts have continually run rampant through my mind. Satan has had fun coming to “kill, steal, and destroy” (John 10:10) my peace, my joy, my rest.

     The problem is that I’ve allowed him to wreak havoc in my heart, mind, and spirit by constantly reviewing it all. So, the message went over my head but the Holy Spirit was still speaking to me. Oh, He wasn’t saying how to resolve any of it, His presence was just very strong on my heart.

     After the message, an altar call was given for physical healing for a few in the congregation. They went up and others went up and stood behind them and prayed. In the past I would have gone up to support in prayer but I haven’t felt like I could do that for a long while. I guess my spirit has felt very unworthy to move in that ministry position.

     As I viewed the altar, my friend Linda McDonald was praying behind those who needed prayer. I kept watching Linda. She has been on our prayer list at Bible study for a hereditary condition called Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease, a muscle weakness in her feet and legs. As I watched her, the Holy Spirit kept urging me to go pray for her. I finally obeyed.

     I took her hand off the shoulder of the man in front of her and turned her around to me. Then the Holy Spirit was in total control. I really didn't know ahead of time what would happen next but I hugged her so strongly. I hope I didn’t hurt her. I prayed in her ear for her healing, I prayed and prayed and prayed and didn’t let her go. I finally started crying and sobbing and prayed in the Spirit. We stood there both crying until I felt the hands of others on my back (probably on her back too). I did not realize that praying for Linda would release ME of all my hurts and wounds of these past few years. God knew I needed spiritual healing so He had me begin with Linda until His Spirit poured healing and release out on my spirit as well.

I received a cleansing that morning. It was a start!  

 Later, I got a phone call from my prayer partner, Carolyn, who lives in Missouri. We talk every few days and pray for our country, our families, and anything and everything that God lays on our heart.

      I was crying when I answered the phone and of course, she asked what was wrong. “I’m still dealing with the last few years of betrayal,” I answered.

     I asked how she was able to forgive her siblings who wrongly accused her of an issue with her parents. She said it was a process that took a few years but with God’s help, prayer, and obedience to the Word, she was now at peace. Their relationship has somewhat been restored but it had to begin with her. She said she had to reach down deep to find emotional healing from the wounds, torment, and accusations by her siblings. She had to make the choice to release them from the consequences of their sin; an act of her will to be obedient to God’s command to forgive. Jesus set the example on the cross when He said, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” (Lk 23:34)

     She continually reminded herself of Romans 12:19-21: “Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the LORD. Instead, if your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads. Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.”

     God gave her the grace to repent of her bitterness and she began to pray four things for them…

“But to you who are willing to listen, I say, LOVE your enemies! DO GOOD to those who hate you. BLESS those who curse you. PRAY for those who hurt you.” (Luke 6:27-28 NLT)

     My prayer time with Carolyn was an additional healing process for me, but there was still more to come. 

Friday, October 28th a.m. ~ my friend Connie called and asked me to read the meditation that appeared in the book, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. She said it was meant just for me.

     Do not expect to be treated fairly in this life. People will say and do hurtful things to you, things that you don't deserve. When someone mistreats you, try to view it as an opportunity to grow in grace. See how quickly you can forgive the one who has wounded you. Don't be concerned about setting the record straight. Instead of obsessing about other people's opinions of you, keep your focus on ME. Ultimately, it is MY view of you that counts.

     As you concentrate on relating to ME, remember that I have clothed you in My righteousness and holiness. I see you attired in these radiant garments, which I bought for you with MY blood. This also is not fair; it is a pure gift. When others treat you unfairly, remember that MY ways with you are much better than fair. MY ways are Peace and Love, which I have poured out into your heart by MY Spirit.

     Sarah Young gave the following scripture references to this daily devotion:

Col 3:13 ~ "Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." 

Is 61:10 ~ "I am overwhelmed with joy in the LORD my God! For He has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am like a bridegroom dressed for his wedding or a bride with her jewels." 

Eph 1:7-8 ~ "He is so rich in kindness and grace that He purchased our freedom with the blood of His Son and forgave our sins. He has showered His kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding." 

Rom 5:5 ~ "And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love." 

Friday, October 28^th p.m. ~ The tipping point arrived when Carolyn and I prayed together that evening.

     We prayed through our usual requests for country, family, honest elections, etc. She always begins and I end. As I was finishing my prayer, the Holy Spirit compelled me pray for my family members who have been on the other side of this issue. I asked God to bless them and do good to them. Then He reminded me of the scripture, “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” (Eph 6:12)

     It was a very emotional time because I knew I had finally reached the end of unforgiveness and had arrived at my destination. Hallelujah!

     Like I said, it's been a process but when we surrender to God, He works everything out for our good. If we resist, we remain in satan's camp of letting him steal, kill, and destroy (Jn 10:10a) our peace, joy, and rest. When we submit, we move into God's camp ~ life more abundantly above and beyond all that we can ever, ask, think, or imagine (Jn 10:10b).

     "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within [me], will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." (Philippians 1:6)

     Even after reaching this peace, God continued to pour out more and more confirmation on me:

RELATIONSHIP ~ THE PRINCIPLE OF LOVE

The Path to Murder:

1.     Grace precedes Forgiveness. If you have a problem giving forgiveness, then you have a problem receiving forgiveness (Mt 10:8). Once you accept grace, you'll forgive others who don't deserve to be forgiven. Forgiveness means release. When God forgives us, He releases us from the punishment/judgment of our sin. When we truly forgive others, we release them from the hurt/offense they've caused.

2.     Forgiveness precedes Love. (Mt 5:43-44) Hate leads to murder. (Gen 27:41)     Forgiveness leads to love. (Gen 33:1, 4)  4. 

3.     Unfulfilled Expectations precede Offenses. (Lk 7:18-19) Jesus will either be a stone you stumble over, or a rock you build your house on! "As it is written: 'Behold, I lay in Zion a stumbling stone and rock of offense, and whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.'" (Rom 9:33)

4.     An Offense precedes Anger. (Mt 24:10) (Mark 6:2-3) Astonished means to strike someone, to expel by a blow, to drive out someone. (Lk 4:28-29)

5.     Anger precedes Hate. (Gen 4:3-5, 8) Anger is an emotion. Anger is not a sin but what you do with anger is a sin. 

6.     Hate precedes Murder. (Gen 37:4-5, 18) (Deut 19:11-12) (Josh 20:5)

     When you hate, you fall into a trap and you are caught in a snare. If you allow hate and anger to consume you, then your unforgiveness leads to not be forgiven by the One Who loves you.

PASSING THE PARDON TEST—FORGIVENESS

     If you have an issue of unforgiveness that you just can't let go of and if you desire to forgive but just can't get there, I would like to make this point to help you. I've been there. I understand. You cannot do this by your own will. You cannot! It is only through God's help that HE gives you the will to surrender into His hands. The key element is to release your hold on that thing through prayer and allow the Holy Spirit to begin His great work in you, in the other party, in the situation, etc. Nothing may change ... but the change will come in YOU. It will be your blessing to let it go and maybe, just maybe, God will work the rest of it out for good. If not, you've still been released (set free) from the prison of unforgiveness. 

     I hesitate to believe I’ve come to a completion of this subject because it is a “test” that we continually take and continually have to pass. If we don’t pass it, then we fail it, and God has us take it over again and again. I pray and ask God to keep forgiveness on the forefront of my mind and heart.

“But one whom you forgive anything, I [Paul] also forgive; for indeed what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, I did so for your sakes in the presence of Christ, so that no advantage would be taken of us by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his schemes.” (2 Cor 2:10-11 NAS)

Basically, Paul is saying that satan takes advantage of us if we keep unforgiveness in our heart and mind. What is his advantage? By us always dwelling on the offense, stirring up hatred, etc. he keeps our thoughts away from God and His healing, forgiving power. Be not ignorant of his schemes!

Love to all, Danna Shirley dannaRshirley@gmail.com 

Who, What, Where, When, Why, and How to Live in Honor and Integrity ~ 2022

by Danna Shirley

When did it all begin? Can we pinpoint the direct Time and Cause when reason went off the rails and chaos became the norm hurtling down the tracks out of control? Must we go back decades or generations to identify the first culprit of ideas that moved us onto this springboard of bedlam and anarchy? It’s difficult for me to assume the voice of reason on this topic because I was raised during the generation of heroic fathers like my own father, my husband, and television fathers like Andy Griffith, Father Knows Best, Leave It to Beaver, Dick van Dyke, and Roy Rogers.

Roy Rogers Riders Club Rules

1.   Be neat and clean.                                  6.   Study hard and learn all you can.    

2.   Be courteous and polite.                        7.   Be kind to animals and take care of them.       
3.   Always obey your parents.                    8.   Eat all your food and never waste any.           
4.   Protect the weak and help them.          9.   Love God and go to Sunday school regularly.
5.   Be brave but never take chances.        10. Always respect our flag and our country.      

So, how do I diagnose the root cause of this chaos and arrive at the answer that will appeal to constructive actions? I could spend hours, days, and weeks poring over research data trying to compose and compile it in some sort of presentation; however, I would just like to report this grandmother’s observations over a lifetime. Instead of directing our thoughts on the negatives, which are already evident, which are thrown in our face on a daily basis, and reported on the news hourly, I would like to focus on HONOR and INTEGRITY, those things lacking in our society today.

 WHO?       So, who is responsible to teach honor and integrity? It must begin first at home with parents and other family members. Parents are obligated to “train up a child in the way he/she should go” (Proverbs 22:6). There was a day when it was not only the parents, but the whole community who would feel the responsibility to raise up a generation of children who would be good citizens and add benefit to the whole.

            If a child was caught doing wrong, they were punished according to the degree of their infraction. This was “outside discipline” from the parent. Weren’t we all tempted at some point in our childhood to snatch a pack of gum or a candy bar from the grocery store? If caught, we were reprimanded and taken back to the store to confess our fault and pay for the item. The lesson was to be honest and honorable; to have a good name and not be ashamed of our actions. We usually learned it very well.

WHAT?     So, what is honor and integrity? There are many qualities to obtain in growing up and maturing. Time, age, experience, and even a few failures teach us how to walk through our lives with these virtues.

Honor: to be civil, gracious, decent, moral, righteous, valuable, and upright.

Integrity: to be honest, truthful, trustworthy, reliable, genuine, dependable, faithful, and respectful.

Learning to walk in honor and integrity may have begun from parental teaching but as we mature, we move from “outside discipline” to “inner motivation” . . . following what we know is right and obeying our own conscience and heart values. We honor our parent’s training by being good citizens in our community.

WHERE?  So, where else did we learn honor and integrity? We now move into our school setting with our teachers. I remember standing, facing the flag with my right hand over my heart, and reciting the Pledge of Allegiance every morning before class. How many of our children, let alone our adult citizens, even know the Pledge today? There have been three versions over the years:

"I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands,

one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." --1892

 

"I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."  --1923

 

“I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” –1954

 I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG

We are promising our Allegiance to be Faithful and Committed

to the ideals, standards, morals, and ethics of our country.

 OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

The flag symbolizes our Fifty States joined in a common bond

to fulfill those ideals, standards, morals, and ethics.

 AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS

As a Republic, we elect representatives who are accountable to us

for the decisions they make for the total good of America.

ONE NATION UNDER GOD

Our Founders understood our freedom ultimately comes from God.

Our government was established to secure that God-Given freedom.

 INDIVISIBLE

We pledge ourselves to stay together as a country,

incapable of being divided, even when we disagree.

WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

Liberty means freedom, as the freedom to worship, freedom to assemble, 

and freedom to speak.

We also commit ourselves to Justice, being fair and right in our judgment of people.

--copied

             Next, we learned honor and integrity from attending Sunday School and Church. It would take a lifetime to absorb and follow all that Christ teaches in His Word. First and foremost, we surrender our heart, mind, soul, and spirit to God and the Holy Spirit guides and directs us into the full knowledge of God and His desires for our life. Secondly, we should attend a good Bible-believing, Bible-teaching church with a Pastor who preaches the uncompromised Word of God.   

WHEN?     So, when is honor and integrity developed in our life? I would say from the cradle to the grave! We learn from our first words and first steps to our dying breath. All that is in our heart, mind, soul, and spirit should reflect civil, gracious, decent, moral, righteous, valuable, and upright living. It should reflect the virtues of honesty, truth, trust, reliability, dependability, faithfulness, respect, and the genuine quality of a Child of God.

WHY?        So, why should honor and integrity be sought after? Why not? Don’t we want to be a benefit and an asset to society? Don’t we want to respect ourselves, our actions, our contributions to this world? Don’t we want to pass them along to our descendants so they, too, can give strength and quality to the lives of their children?

HOW?        So, how do we live with honor and integrity? Let me ask it this way, how can we live without it? Do we want to continue being fearful of the bedlam, anarchy, crime, violence, and all manner of rebellion and corruption that is taking place all around us today? Our family should be proud of the life we live and not ashamed of our actions? We may not be able to undo the damage that has been done to past generations, but we can turn the corner and bring our country back to the honor and integrity we once held so dear. We need to breathe life back into America.

            How? Vote for honest, upright people of integrity who want to restore our country to its founding roots. World history reveals what works and what doesn’t work. Look to other countries who have failed by adopting the wrong policies and platforms that took their country into chaos. Pray for honest elections, honest candidates, and honest results. Ask God to return us to be One Nation Under God again!

RON SHIRLEY ~ USN Letters

Letters I received when my husband, Ron Shirley, passed away from pneumonia on February 20, 2003:

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Ron’s boss, Bill Musa, had this to say at his funeral (edited) . . .

The last few days have been tragic. I spoke to Danna Friday about wanting to say something here so I went through Ron’s personnel file, which was about a foot high with all kinds of papers and commendations. Wherever Ron went was total excellence. He’s been the backbone of any operation. He is the most mild-tempered, even-tempered person I’ve ever known. Good friend. Outstanding employee.

In the company he was held in the highest regard; anywhere throughout the company, at the President level down, even up to the Admirals, including the Japanese Navy, when he spent time there.

His achievements have been very high. He kept a lot of these things to himself. As far as Computer Sciences Corporation (CSC), he started out as Principal Engineer, then Senior Principal Engineer, from there the highest technical position of Principal Computer Scientist, which is at the Director level or one level below the Vice President. These achievements are something to be proud of but Ron didn’t want me to let anyone know when his last promotion happened. That’s the kind of a guy Ron was.

He has left a tremendous hole in the operation world-wide in the Aegis program—both in our ships and other ships from other nations.

I would say that everyone, as far as a goal for work or achievements, would be to look up and say, “If I could just get half of Ron’s passion and work ethic.”

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One of Ron’s co-workers, Bill Robinson, could not get a flight out of Michigan to come to the memorial service but he sent me the following e-mail a few days later. I treasure these words of admiration about my husband . . .

 

      To put things into perspective, Ron and I had worked very near each other at the Aegis Test Team in Pascagoula for a couple of years. We were both the head-down, trying to solve problems type, so we really never had much interaction until we got swept up into the Japanese AEGIS program.

      Ron’s demeanor and attitude are what made him immediately stand out. He was pure solution without trying to promote himself or “get off easy” by spending energy politicking and benefiting from other people’s work. Sir Isaac Newton, in speaking of his own great accomplishments had said, “If I can see so far, it is because I am standing on the shoulders of giants” . . . He was speaking of intelligence giants like Ron.

      Ron just oozed with integrity. His word and motives were far beyond question.  If a man is only as good as his word, I know of no one who comes close to Ron. People would just instinctively know that Ron was a person of such caliber. On many occasions I grinned in amazement to watch people of high importance just hang on every word Ron spoke, as he gave his opinion or analysis on some

multi-million dollar, hundreds-of-people problem. Never would it be necessary to mull over Ron’s words, wondering if he was embellishing in search of the limelight. Ron was the symbol of unselfish excellence within the AEGIS world.  His motives were beyond reproach. I know of no other in such a highly competitive arena that had the same credibility.

      We spent lots of time together in the dark corners of warships. Staying out of the way, yet just waiting to be overrun with panicked managers, engineers, officers, and sailors who wanted an explanation for some major event that was unfolding in the highly complex AEGIS world . . . Mach 3 missiles flying (or not flying), guns tracking, aircraft screaming, radios and radars buzzing.  We would work 24 hours straight (Saturday, Sunday), no matter what it took to provide the answer; everyone depended on our work and we would never fail. When the panic subsided, we would go back to a dark corner, talk about our families, and our great plans for fishing. This last observation I would say is the mark of a true yet simple family man. He loved meeting the challenge of a highly technical occupation, yet family and the simple things in life are where his thoughts and heart were centered.

      While away from home, non-working hours were just as simple. Never a flashy rental car or luxury hotel; Ron would seek the simple places. Time was spent reading books about fishing or the stock market (no one was standing in line for our opinions here). When we had to get out, we would spend the day at one of those multi-movie theaters just going from movie to movie, mostly just marking time until we got home.

      On many of these adventures we suffered together; dragging luggage through airports and on/off helicopters, horrible food, horrible conditions, no sleep, no showers, cramped, cold, sick, and tired. On several occasions we put our high-powered analytical skills together to ponder our decisions to be there. We always concluded everyone was wrong about us . . . we were not intelligent men! Somehow, we always got each other through it, usually with a smile and a great sense of satisfaction. I looked up to Ron like a big brother. As men go, he was a truly great one. I will deeply miss him.

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Ron was 21 at the time of this medal.