© Danna Shirley
Separation . . .
Love will
see us through . . . and sometimes that’s all we could hold onto. Everything
else was a struggle.
That
five-month separation I mentioned earlier occurred after four years of marriage
when our daughter, Kristen, was almost three. I won’t go into any details
because they have long since been forgiven, but I went home to Mom and Dad on
the West Coast and Ron went to the Navy’s Officer Candidate School (OCS) on the
East Coast. We were as far apart as two people could get . . . emotionally and
geographically. I'd had all I could take living with that man, and I’m sure he felt the same about me. We both had our faults, failings, and defects. It’s never one-sided!
In a day
when there was no unlimited long distance calling, surprisingly, we were on the
phone to each other every few nights. First Ron called with the pretext that he
wanted to talk to Kristen and briefly spoke to me. Eventually, he called to
talk with me and briefly spoke to Kristen. We were both miserable. Stubborn as
ever, he wouldn't admit it, but I readily expressed my feelings.
At the
end of his three month school, when he was ready to return to Ole Miss for his
senior year, I was also ready to return to him. Unfortunately, I had to work
two more months to earn the plane fare home. Those days were lean on an
enlisted man’s pay.
He never
made any promises to amend his ways. I knew I had to accept him just as he was;
all the things that I wanted to change about him would never be changed. But I
loved him, so I was willing to adjust. This didn’t exactly go along with the
‘women’s lib’ movement of the day but I didn’t care. I loved him! One of the
things that helped to make my decision was a friend’s weighty comment . . .
“If
you don’t go back, some other woman will take your place, she’ll sleep in your
bed, and you’ll be a single mom trying to raise your daughter alone without her
father. As Ron moves up in his career, she’ll have all the benefits of his
success and you’ll be standing on the outside looking in. Besides, you love
him! Isn’t that enough?”
Yes, love
is wonderful but is it enough? No! You must also have respect,
compassion, admiration, appreciation, understanding, approval, value, gratitude,
pleasure, and laughter in a marriage. You fill in the blanks with your
particular needs but consider this, are you the wife and lover that he needs?
As I look
back and examine my behavior during those first years of marriage, I see that I
was an irritating nag (the clothes hamper was just a small incident). I wanted
him to do what I asked him to do when I asked him to do it!!! I wasn’t
diplomatic or considerate, just demanding. I wanted him to be perfect while asking him to accept
my imperfections.
Ron was
an avid fisherman and when he had time to relax, he wanted to be out on the
boat, not crossing things off of my ‘honey do’ list. He filled our freezer
with fish every weekend while I swept smelly fish scales off the kitchen floor.
I was not from a fishing family and found it difficult to understand the draw
of the water.
The last
few years of his life drained him physically. He suffered with fibromyalgia and
was in constant joint pain. Every evening he had to struggle to get around the
house, much less the shipyard or up and down the passageways of the ship.
I
remember saying, “Honey, why don’t you take the boat out and do some fishing. I
know you’d love it and maybe you’ll feel better.” No, he couldn’t even get out
of his chair.
If I
just had him back now, I would send him out fishing every day—I would even join
him!
It is my
desire to have a happy marriage and live with a contented husband. My
marriage is for life; therefore I will consider . . .
When my
husband wants ‘down time,’ do I allow him that freedom? Do I encourage
him to enjoy his rest and relaxation? Explain.
Do I
harass my husband with my wants and desires while ignoring his? Explain.
Am I doing
all I can to avoid conflict, which could possibly lead to
a separation? If not, why not?
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