© Danna Shirley
Regrets . . .
I’ve had
a few over the years but it’s not my intention to review them here. I do,
however, want to share my regrets during Ron’s last few months of life.
Two
people can get very comfortable with each other after thirty-four years of
marriage. We had an empty nest and had grown content, enjoying our warm and
cozy, quiet and peaceful life together. We had worked hard, he more than I, and
every so often he would calculate our finances to the exact date we could
retire and still live well on our savings.
We moved
effortlessly through our daily routine. At night we came together to share a
meal, listen to the news, and watch television. I would crochet or get on the
computer or talk on the phone.
Ron had a
cough that hung on for a few months after he recovered from the flu. I didn’t
notice it too much because he always cleared his throat. It wasn’t until he
complained of chest pain that I paid closer attention.
“If
you’re hurting that much,” I said, “then go to the doctor,” but being the
stubborn man that he was, I knew he wouldn’t, so there was no sense pressing
it. My first regret!
Ron had a
tremendous work ethic and because he was employed in the defense industry, he
had a strong commitment to his job, to the ship, to the sailors, and to his country.
Every day was harder and harder on him physically. By the time he sought
medical help, the cough had escalated. When he was diagnosed with pneumonia,
the doctor wanted to put him in the hospital but he refused. Why? America was on the verge of the Iraqi War and
the work he did was vital to our nation’s defense. Ron died February 20, 2003.
Twenty-eight days later the war began on March 20th. I consider him an additional casualty of the 9-11 war against our
country.
Ron had
his five prescriptions filled on Tuesday and called his boss that he would be
out on Wednesday but would return to work on Thursday. Wednesday morning I woke
to find him barely able to sit up on the side of the bed. I begged him to go to
the Emergency Room but he insisted he wanted to give the medication time to
work. I left him at home alone on what would become the last day of his life.
Regret!
I should
have called in sick. I should have stayed home to take care of him. I should
have insisted that he go to the ER. I should have,
should have, should have . . . Regret! Regret! Regret!
I called
often throughout that day; he was in a lot of pain. When I arrived home after
work, I found him sleeping. He got up once and we talked for a short
time. He went back to bed and I slept in the guest bedroom so I wouldn’t
disturb what small amount of sleep he was able to get. I didn’t even kiss him
goodnight. Regret!
I slept
peacefully in the other room, never waking, which was unusual for me. Thursday
morning I went into our dark bedroom to get ready for work. I passed by our bed
several times thinking that I mustn’t disturb him. I didn’t notice the
stillness in the room.
I was
ready to walk out the door when God spoke to me so clearly, “You
need to try and wake up Ron.” When
I heard in my spirit the word “try,” I knew immediately something was
wrong.
I
couldn’t see him in the dark but when I touched him, he was cold. I knew he was
gone but I expected my continual shaking to awaken him. He died in his sleep,
alone, in our bed, without me. Regret!
I do
praise God for the comfort and peace that only He could bring during those
first difficult days and weeks. God is sovereign and I have received great
comfort from the Lord knowing that . . .
* Ron is no longer in
constant pain from fibromyalgia.
* God knows the end from
the beginning and I trust and believe that His wisdom has prevailed.
* God could have aroused
me that night; awakened my spirit to go to Ron, but He let me sleep so peacefully. It was almost as if He and Ron were having a special time together;
like they were taking care of business.
* God is in control and
if He had wanted a different outcome, we would have had a different outcome.
* Ron is in heaven and
I’ll be with him again some day.
When I
have the opportunity, I tell other stubborn men that if my husband knew he was
leaving me a widow at age fifty-four, he would have sought medical help
sooner! Regret!
Our three
granddaughters will never know their ‘Pop.’ Regret!
One of
Ron’s co-workers, Bill Robinson, could not get a flight out of Michigan to come to the memorial service but he
sent me the following e-mail a few days later. I treasure these words of
admiration about my husband . . .
To put things into
perspective, Ron and I had worked very near each other at the Aegis Test Team
in Pascagoula for a couple of years. We were both
the head-down, trying to solve problems type, so we really never had much
interaction until we got swept up into the Japanese AEGIS program.
Ron’s demeanor and attitude
are what made him immediately stand out. He was pure solution without trying to
promote himself or “get off easy” by spending energy politicking and benefiting
from other people’s work. Sir Isaac Newton, in speaking of his own great
accomplishments had said, “If I can see so far, it is because I am standing on
the shoulders of giants” . . . He was speaking of intelligence giants like Ron.
Ron just oozed with
integrity. His word and motives were far beyond question. If a man is
only as good as his word, I know of no one who comes close to Ron. People would
just instinctively know that Ron was a person of such caliber. On many
occasions I grinned in amazement to watch people of high importance
just hang on every word Ron spoke, as he gave his
opinion or analysis on some multi-million dollar,
hundreds-of-people problem. Never would it be necessary to mull over Ron’s
words, wondering if he was embellishing in search of the limelight. Ron was the
symbol of unselfish excellence within the AEGIS world. His motives were
beyond reproach. I know of no other in such a highly competitive arena that had
the same credibility.
We spent lots of time
together in the dark corners of warships. Staying out of the way, yet just
waiting to be overrun with panicked managers, engineers, officers, and sailors
who wanted an explanation for some major event that was unfolding in the highly
complex AEGIS world . . . Mach 3 missiles flying (or not flying), guns
tracking, aircraft screaming, radios and radars buzzing. We would work 24
hours straight (Saturday, Sunday), no matter what it took to provide the answer;
everyone depended on our work and we would never fail. When the panic subsided,
we would go back to a dark corner, talk about our families, and our great plans
for fishing. This last observation I would say is the mark of a true yet simple
family man. He loved meeting the challenge of a highly technical occupation,
yet family and the simple things in life are where his thoughts and heart were
centered.
While away from home,
non-working hours were just as simple. Never a flashy rental car or luxury hotel;
Ron would seek the simple places. Time was spent reading books about fishing or
the stock market (no one was standing in line for our opinions here). When we
had to get out, we would spend the day at one of those multi-movie theaters
just going from movie to movie, mostly just marking time until we got home.
On many of these adventures
we suffered together; dragging luggage through airports and on/off helicopters,
horrible food, horrible conditions, no sleep, no showers, cramped, cold, sick,
and tired. On several occasions we put our high-powered analytical skills
together to ponder our decisions to be there. We always concluded everyone was
wrong about us . . . we were not intelligent men! Somehow we always got
each other through it, usually with a smile and a great sense of satisfaction.
I looked up to Ron like a big brother. As men go, he was a truly great one. I
will deeply miss him.
The
children and I sprinkled Ron’s ashes in the Mississippi Gulf Coast waters where he loved to fish. I was
blessed to be loved by this man. He was genuinely the love of my life!
LIFE TO CONSIDER . . .
It is my
desire to have a happy marriage and live with a contented husband. My
marriage is for life; therefore I will consider . . .
What can
I do to keep my husband young and feeling vibrant?
What can
I do to keep my husband active?
What can
I do to keep my husband healthy?
(continued to chapters 11 thru 14)
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