by
Danna Shirley
My mother, Elsie
Mae (Daugherty) Goines, is 96, born August 19, 1919, and has been pretty healthy
until recently and pretty sharp mentally—sometimes! We all thought Nana would
go before Pa but Pa passed away in 2010. Then we thought she wouldn’t last much
longer after losing her life-mate of 68 years, and Pa even said as much, but
that was six years ago.
Then we all thought maybe God was
keeping her here so she could get saved. She has refused for years to talk
about Jesus to anyone although she was raised in church. That’s a mystery yet
to be solved because she sticks her hand up and says, “I won’t talk religion.” So
on that fateful day when she said she “loved Jesus,” we thought, “Okay, Lord,
she’s ready to go
home and be with You now.”
We all thought when she had a seizure in
April 2015, she wouldn’t last much longer but hospice kicked her out of their
program after a few months. She hardly had the strength to lift her head at
first and now she walks the length of the deck twice a day with her walker.
So where is the “funny” in all of this?
Well, it is sad but it’s also funny what trickles into her mind and comes out
of her mouth.
Did you know my sister, Nan, stole her
red oval tablecloth? No matter that Nan has a square table and her own red
tablecloth, but we can’t convince Nana otherwise.
Did you know my sister, Paula, is my
mother’s sister? Nana still talks to her about the good old days when they grew
up together? She must be thinking of her sisters Edna and Verna.
Did you know I shut the car door on Nana’s
head and all her teeth fell out? No matter that she still has all her teeth and
I sure didn’t slam her head in the car door!!!
And then there’s
the insistence she’s not sleeping in the room she’s always slept in and her
room is a “dungeon” and “this is not my bed” and “where are my clothes” and
“everyone is mean to me” and “who stole this or that or whatever” and the male caregiver
is her “suiter” and “where is that Daugherty boy?” actually her grandson, David
Nelson.
Immediately
after the seizure, Nana’s memories were of her childhood when she was about ten
years old. She talked about her parents and siblings but didn’t know or mention
any of the siblings born after that age. Although Pa was the love of her life, she
never mentioned him because they didn’t meet until they were teenagers.
Later, as she progressed through her memories
and up to the present, there were many accusations of “why didn’t you tell me
Pa had died, that Verna, Margaret, and Jeannie had died?” And her confusion
goes on and on . . .
Caregiving a dementia person can be very
exasperating, frustrating, and very,
very
stressful. You know their facts are wrong, their memories are skewed, and so
you want to correct them but it does no good because they either argue with you
or won’t remember it the next time anyway.
In learning
about caregiving a dementia patient, we also learned how to take care of
ourselves. We need much care as well, especially if we’ve been caregiving for
an extended length of time. I was in this position for over two years and my
sister, Paula, has been doing it for over four years now, beginning with her
husband’s Parkinson’s, and now with our mother’s dementia —and still counting.
How Caregivers Can Nurture Themselves
·
Eat
well-balanced meals Take
a daily multivitamin. Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day.
·
Exercise
daily 15 min of stretching, yoga, calisthenics,
or walking. Use the stairs.
·
Go
outdoors Fresh air renews the body and spirit
even if only briefly. Open a window.
·
Get your
zzz's Strive for 7-8 hours of consecutive
sleep in a 24-hr period. Nap!
·
Treat
yourself Get treatments for your own aches
and pains before they turn into something serious.
·
Don't
ignore your emotions Pay attention to how you feel, seek
counseling, vent.
·
Take time
for yourself Use relaxation or stress management
methods; play soft music.
·
Read, pray, or
meditate for at least 15 minutes a day Consume daily prayer books and helpful
magazines like Today's Caregiver and Caring Today, or
books such as Chicken Soup for the Caregiver's Soul to uplift your
spirits. Seek the counsel of a spiritual leader you trust and respect.
·
Chuckle more
often Laugh,
reminisce, and share stories of happy times.
·
Ask for help Friends, family,
religious groups may be eager to assist and are only waiting to be asked and
directed. Doing everything yourself deprives others of serving you.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother,
but after living through these “caregiving” episodes for the last few years, I
have given my own children strict orders about my care:
Kristen, Russell, Aaron:
I want you to realize not
only the heartache but the backache and the headache that a caregiver goes
through in dealing with someone in this condition and I won’t put you through
it. I want to assure you when and if I ever get to the point that I am a burden
to you, I demand that you put me in a nursing home or wherever my
need may be at the time, and there will be no guilt trip involved whatsoever!
If I’m in my right mind, you
know I will make friends and participate in activities and have a grand old
time socializing. If I am not in my right mind, then it won’t matter anyway. If
being in a nursing home will send me on to be with Jesus and your Dad that much
faster, then please send me on my way. I want to go to heaven—this world is not
my home.
You get on with your lives
and with your own families and don’t worry about me. I love you all too much to
put you through the weight of caregiving.
Kristen says, "You're a witness! You
heard her!”
Russell
has no comment.
Aaron
says, “Where do I sign! Where do I sign!”
Oh,
how I love my kids! J J J
