A WIDOW'S ADVICE TO YOUNG WIVES Introduction

A

Widow’s Advice

  to 

Young Wives

 “…having been taken away from [me] for a short time

in presence, not in heart…” (1 Thessalonians 2:17)

Copyright  ©  2009 by Danna R. Shirley

 All rights reserved.

Any use of this material is to be for personal devotion

or presented in a teaching or learning atmosphere.

Credit to be given to the Holy Spirit by way of the author.

Identity of persons mentioned other than family members

has been changed unless permission was granted by the individual.

Work other than the authors has been identified and credit given.

  

 dannaRshirley@gmail.com

 Danna Shirley Self-Published © 2009

 DEDICATION

I affectionately dedicate this book to my amazing husband,

Ronald Kline Shirley

without whom none of these memories

would have been tenderly learned nor lovingly shared.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I thank GOD Who woke me one morning with the inspiration for this book and helped me to put it down on paper. This is His book, a source of encouragement to His sons and daughters to live in harmony as husbands and wives.

I send sincere appreciation to my friend, Patricia Sanderson, who supported me greatly as I shared with her how this book came to be birthed. She gave me great encouragement as she sensed a deep touch in her spirit that this would minister to you, the reader, as it did to her.

I also acknowledge with gratitude the feedback I received from many of my Family and Friends who read this manuscript and shared how it touched them deeply . . . some moved to tears.

INTRODUCTION

A Widow’s Advice to Young Wives

I was watching a video of my husband’s memorial service late one evening, something I hadn’t done in a long while. It reminded me again that he was such a fine and honorable man. Looking back, I knew if I had the opportunity to live my life with him over again, I would regard him differently, I would most assuredly do a better job as his help meet (Genesis 2:18 KJV).

The Lord brought a scripture to mind:

“The older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, 

not slanderers, not given to much wine,

teachers of good things—

that they admonish the young women

to love their husbands,

to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good,
obedient to their own husbands,
that the Word of God may not be blasphemed.” 
(Titus 2:3-4 NKJV)

My intention is not to tell you ‘how’ to have a happy marriage – for there are numerous books that do that very well, although none exceeds the Bible—buy them! study them! apply them!

Rather, I want to stress that you ‘seek’ after a happy marriage with all your heart . . . before it’s too late!

 LOVE

by Danna Shirley

LOVE—there are so many kinds . . .

LOVE as a mother for her children . . .

LOVE as a husband for his wife . . .

LOVE for your fellow man . . .

The sweet, innocent LOVE of a child . . .

LOVE for nature and God’s creatures . . .

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, as from God for His creation man.

Sometimes our heart seems like it will burst

from dwelling fondly on a particular recollection . . .

Maybe it is that thought of spoken words of

LOVE and affection from a spouse . . .

Maybe it’s that mother’s LOVE of pride and tenderness

when her child makes the first attempt at the “firsts” in life, 

especially those first steps in leaving to establish another home, 

patterned after the LOVE known from mother.

And of course, there is LOVE for friends.

God brings them into our lives for a season and then they are gone, 

but oh, how much they were needed for such a time as this.

Sometimes LOVE is painful.

Remember when you hurt for someone else because they hurt

and you could do nothing but weep and grieve with them?

You may have even asked God “Why?” but no answer came.

Why was God silent when you needed Him

to give you glowing words of comfort to speak?

Maybe the best words are those that are never spoken;

just the gentle hug of empathy and consolation for a friend.

Then there is that LOVE betrayed; oh, why did it have to happen? 

There were vows of LOVE eternal but eternity was short-lived.

We are in need of LOVE unconditional . . .

LOVE that is blind and deaf to our mistakes

and the mistakes of others . . .

LOVE that remembers not the disappointments

and heartaches and sins in life.

We want and need them forgiven and remembered no more.

Where do we go to find this kind of forgetful LOVE?

GOD IS LOVE!!!

A WIDOW'S ADVICE TO YOUNG WIVES Chapter 1

© Danna Shirley

How we met . . .

In early 1968, Ron’s ship, the USS Merrick, came into port in Richmond, California. He, along with several of his friends, rented an apartment across the courtyard from mine. Sailors could be seen coming and going at all hours of the day or night. Needless to say, my roommate and I had our pick of these young men. Although I dated a few others, Ron stood head and shoulders above them all with his confident and unassuming manner.   

Our courtship was only three months long. Before leaving for his third tour of duty in Vietnam, he proposed. My friends said I would never last the eight months he would be gone. They were sure I would send him a ‘Dear John’ letter.

Due to mail delivery overseas, our correspondence was feast or famine. I might get ten letters in one week and none over the next three weeks. During those long, silent periods my imagination would run wild with doubt. Regardless of those fears, I waited for him and three days after his return, we eloped to Reno, Nevada.

  

We were quite a combination. A young man from Southern Alabama weds a liberal California girl. Needless to say, all didn‘t go smoothly. You’ve heard the expression, “The first year is the hardest.” Well, our first five years were the hardest. It took time for us to get to know each other, to accept one another’s quirks, and to live with each other’s differences. When Ron stepped into my world and I into his, we were both in for a rude awakening and a whole lot of compromises along the way.  But isn’t that what marriage is all about?

If you and your husband were raised in the same environment and culture, then you’re one step ahead of the game. You know the thought processes of your mate, what you can say or do that will not shock him or leave his chin dropping on his chest. It seems silly now, but we were each trying to find (or take) the high ground in our marriage and stand firmly upon it. I learned very quickly not to patronize him.  That approach just set him in stone all the more. As I look back now, I wonder how we ever made it through those first trying years.

I was in my first apartment, an immature, twenty-year-old only five miles away from my mom and dad. I had never even flown on an airplane.

Ron was mature at twenty-one, a man of the world, who joined the Navy at eighteen and had already been on three deployments to Vietnam. He was meticulous when it came to his uniform, but he thought nothing of throwing his civvies (civilian clothes) in a heap on the floor. I remember one battle in which neither of us would budge; we were both determined to hold out until the end.

I refused to wash his clothes unless he put them in the hamper. “Ron, the hamper is right here next to the shower!” I would say condescendingly. “All you have to do is raise the lid and in they go! Simple!” I then demonstrated, tossing his pants into the hamper with flair, but to no avail.  

Stubborn to the end, when he got down to his last pair of socks, he took everything to the cleaners.  It was an expensive lesson to learn—we could hardly afford to pay the bill. This valuable lesson forced us into a compromise. I started washing his clothes and he started putting them in the hamper—occasionally.

If only he was here to drop his clothes on the floor again.  I would gladly pick them up in a heartbeat.

LIFE TO CONSIDER . . .

It is my desire to have a happy marriage and live with a contented husband.  My marriage is for life; therefore I will consider . . .

What trait or virtue attracted me to my husband, but now irritates me?

What changed and why?   

List some petty quarrels that you've had with your husband. Which ones could have been easily avoided, forgiven, or forgotten? 

Look up the following scriptures and explain how they might speak to you regarding your relationship with your husband.

Why We Should Forgive

Proverbs 24:29 

Matthew 5:23-24 

Matthew 6:14-15

Matthew 18:21-22

Luke 6:37

Romans 12:17-21

2 Corinthians 2:10-11

Ephesians 4:32

Hebrews 12:14-15

  

1 Peter 3:8-9

Steps to Forgiving

1.      Tell God how you feel about the hurt. Be specific; He already knows, He just wants you to know.

2.      Give yourself a reason to forgive, i.e. to restore your relationship, to cleanse your heart, because God commands it.

3.      Face the offense; look within. Did you say or do anything to receive the problem? Was your attitude wrong?

4.      Ask God to forgive the wrong on both sides.

5.      By faith in God and trusting Him to perform it—FORGIVE!

6.       Speak to your unforgiving heart (2 Cor 10:4-5; Phil 4:8-9).

7.      Form a habit of forgiveness . . . and do it quickly!

A WIDOW'S ADVICE TO YOUNG WIVES Chapter 2

© Danna Shirley

Happily married . . . ? ? ?

Maybe you have not made the commitment to stay married to your husband for a lifetime or perhaps you have an escape clause that can be used at any time. If so, then my advice is probably not something you wish to hear or would ever intend to follow. No, this advice comes too late for me but I feel compelled to share it with you so that you might avoid some of my missteps.

Although my husband, Ron, and I were ‘happily’ married, there were often times when raised voices were heard throughout the house.  There were plenty of tears shed along the way (mine), there were welcome sabbaticals from each other (his), and somewhere in there was a five month separation with no reconciliation in mind.

I am thankful that God helped us over the bumps and through the woods because eventually the end was better than the beginning. Yes, we did arrive at our destination—we truly did become happily married.

Ron died at the young age of fifty-six. He always told me he would go first, and I always said I wouldn’t let him go without me . . . but he did.   I learned death doesn't have a timetable.

Ron was a person of strong resolve. When he decided to quit drinking, he quit! When he decided to quit smoking, he quit! His tenacity got in my way more than once.

Although a high school dropout, Ron was well-read and well-educated.  When high school didn’t hold his interest any longer, he attended a trade school for one year and then joined the Navy. Seeing his potential, the Navy paid for his college education at Ole Miss, and he graduated with an Engineering Degree four years later. I could ask him anything and he always knew the answer.

While house-hunting during one of our many military moves, I asked him, “Honey, if we bought this house for $36,000 at 3.7% interest, (wow, that was a long time ago) what would our monthly payment be?” I could see his mental calculator at work.  Seconds later, he had the answer. 

“Honey, will you show me how to work my new digital camera?” I hated trying to figure out the latest technical gadgets since it could be obsolete in twenty minutes. He would simply read the directions and walk me through it step by step.

“Honey, what does r-e-n-a-s-c-e-n-t mean?” I asked while he drove.  “Showing renewed vigor,” he answered. He always knew the answer.

“Honey, how much are we going to get back this year?” I asked as he sat at our computer every April 15^th with papers strewn about him.  Now it takes all of thirty minutes, or less, for a CPA to do my taxes using the figures I've provided. 

When the computer age was just thrusting its nose under the tent flap, I was in need of a new typewriter. Ron said it was time we got a home computer.

“No, I don’t want a home computer. I just want a nice electric typewriter with a correct-o-ribbon!”

“No, trust me. We’re getting a PC and I’ll show you how to use it one feature at a time.”

Although Ron had to bring me kicking and screaming into the computer age, I’m so glad he did. He held my hand through cut and paste, save and retrieve, highlight and delete. Because he saw the future clearly, I could use the skills he’d taught me at:  

Vancleave United Methodist Church (MS)

Ocean Springs Fire Department (MS) and

Bartlett Senior Center (TN).

How does anyone live today without a computer?

I miss my husband! I trusted him. He accepted me where I was and encouraged me to go beyond what I thought I could do. He read the fine print and I safely signed my name next to his. I trusted him!

LIFE TO CONSIDER . . .

It is my desire to have a happy marriage and live with a contented husband.  My marriage is for life; therefore I will consider . . .

Do I actively and verbally show appreciation to my husband?  How?

List ways you can acknowledge your husband’s efforts even though he may misinterpret your reaction to a situation.

What can I do to correct any problems that I may have created?

A WIDOW'S ADVICE TO YOUNG WIVES Chapter 3

© Danna Shirley

Respect your differences . . .

Eventually we learned to accept the fact that we had different upbringings. Ron was the oldest of four boys (responsible) and I was the youngest of three girls (spoiled). He said, “Yes, sir” and I said, “Yeah.” He said, “Y'all” and I said, “You guys.”  Thank goodness he had shore duty our first year of marriage so we could get a lot of our clashes out of the way.    

Ron was stationed at Treasure Island near San Francisco and I worked in Berkeley but we lived in Oakland. We would sometimes get together with my friends on a weekend. He was always reserved around new people—watching, listening. They thought they were talking over his head when he didn’t join in the conversation. When he finally did speak, he blew everyone out of the water. Most people have a preconceived idea of what Southerners are like, just as I had had, but Ron didn’t fit that mold—very few Southerners do.

Along with our different cultures, I learned to respect our different genders. I launched into my marriage thinking that Ron would be just like my dad, who was always laid back and unruffled in a household with four vacillating females (his wife and three daughters).

Ron was a different story. If he’d let me rule the roost, I would have lost the very thing that attracted him to me . . . his confidence and conviction. I’m so glad he stood his ground. Respect for each other begins at home and the one who has control over that respect is you.

I received the following letter a few days after his funeral . . .

A few days later, I received the below letter:

Ron’s boss, Bill Musa, had this to say at his funeral (edited) . . .

The last few days have been tragic. I spoke to Danna Friday about wanting to say something here so I went through Ron’s personnel file, which was about a foot high with all kinds of papers and commendations. Wherever Ron went was total excellence. He’s been the backbone of any operation. He is the most mild-tempered, even-tempered person I’ve ever known. Good friend. Outstanding employee.

In the company he was held in the highest regard; anywhere throughout the company, at the President level down, even up to the Admirals, including the Japanese Navy, when he spent time there.

His achievements have been very high. He kept a lot of these things to himself. As far as Computer Sciences Corporation (CSC), he started out as Principal Engineer, then Senior Principal Engineer, from there the highest technical position of Principal Computer Scientist, which is at the Director level or one level below the Vice President. These achievements are something to be proud of but Ron didn’t want me to let anyone know when his last promotion happened. That’s the kind of a guy Ron was.

He has left a tremendous hole in the operation world-wide in the Aegis program—both in our ships and other ships from other nations.

I would say that everyone, as far as a goal for work or achievements, would be to look up and say, “If I could just get half of Ron’s passion and work ethic.”

Ron was a man. He had authority in his world (Navy). He had the respect of his peers. I am so proud of him. Oh, my man, I love him so.

LIFE TO CONSIDER . . .

It is my desire to have a happy marriage and live with a contented husband.  My marriage is for life; therefore I will consider . . .

How does God view my husband's role in our family? My role?

Proverbs 5:18,18:22, and 31:10-31

Ecclesiastes 9:9

Jeremiah 32:39

Matthew 19:4-6

1 Corinthians 7:3-4

Ephesians 5:21-33

Hebrew 13:4

1 Peter 3:1, 7

Do I respect my husband in our home?  with our children?  in his employment?  in our community?

What can I say or do this week to show respect for my husband?

A WIDOW'S ADVICE TO YOUNG WIVES Chapter 4

© Danna Shirley

Separation . . .

Love will see us through . . . and sometimes that’s all we could hold onto. Everything else was a struggle.

That five-month separation I mentioned earlier occurred after four years of marriage when our daughter, Kristen, was almost three. I won’t go into any details because they have long since been forgiven, but I went home to Mom and Dad on the West Coast and Ron went to the Navy’s Officer Candidate School (OCS) on the East Coast. We were as far apart as two people could get . . . emotionally and geographically. I'd had all I could take living with that man, and I’m sure he felt the same about me.  We both had our faults, failings, and defects. It’s never one-sided!

In a day when there was no unlimited long distance calling, surprisingly, we were on the phone to each other every few nights. First Ron called with the pretext that he wanted to talk to Kristen and briefly spoke to me. Eventually, he called to talk with me and briefly spoke to Kristen. We were both miserable. Stubborn as ever, he wouldn't admit it, but I readily expressed my feelings.

At the end of his three month school, when he was ready to return to Ole Miss for his senior year, I was also ready to return to him. Unfortunately, I had to work two more months to earn the plane fare home. Those days were lean on an enlisted man’s pay.

He never made any promises to amend his ways. I knew I had to accept him just as he was; all the things that I wanted to change about him would never be changed. But I loved him, so I was willing to adjust. This didn’t exactly go along with the ‘women’s lib’ movement of the day but I didn’t care. I loved him! One of the things that helped to make my decision was a friend’s weighty comment . . .

“If you don’t go back, some other woman will take your place, she’ll sleep in your bed, and you’ll be a single mom trying to raise your daughter alone without her father. As Ron moves up in his career, she’ll have all the benefits of his success and you’ll be standing on the outside looking in. Besides, you love him! Isn’t that enough?”

Yes, love is wonderful but is it enough?  No! You must also have respect, compassion, admiration, appreciation, understanding, approval, value, gratitude, pleasure, and laughter in a marriage.  You fill in the blanks with your particular needs but consider this, are you the wife and lover that he needs?

As I look back and examine my behavior during those first years of marriage, I see that I was an irritating nag (the clothes hamper was just a small incident). I wanted him to do what I asked him to do when I asked him to do it!!! I wasn’t diplomatic or considerate, just demanding. I wanted him to be perfect while asking him to accept my imperfections.

Ron was an avid fisherman and when he had time to relax, he wanted to be out on the boat, not crossing things off of my ‘honey do’ list. He filled our freezer with fish every weekend while I swept smelly fish scales off the kitchen floor. I was not from a fishing family and found it difficult to understand the draw of the water.

The last few years of his life drained him physically. He suffered with fibromyalgia and was in constant joint pain. Every evening he had to struggle to get around the house, much less the shipyard or up and down the passageways of the ship.

I remember saying, “Honey, why don’t you take the boat out and do some fishing. I know you’d love it and maybe you’ll feel better.” No, he couldn’t even get out of his chair.

                                                       

If I just had him back now, I would send him out fishing every day—I would even join him!

  

 LIFE TO CONSIDER . . .

It is my desire to have a happy marriage and live with a contented husband.  My marriage is for life; therefore I will consider . . .

When my husband wants ‘down time,’ do I allow him that freedom?  Do I encourage him to enjoy his rest and relaxation?  Explain.

Do I harass my husband with my wants and desires while ignoring his?  Explain.

Am I doing all I can to avoid conflict, which could possibly lead to a separation?  If not, why not?

A WIDOW'S ADVICE TO YOUNG WIVES Chapter 5

© Danna Shirley

The beginning of change  . . .

I can tell you the exact hour we had a heart change, reached a compromise, made sacrifices, and wanted to please one another. I was thirty-two and Ron was thirty-three. Twelve years into our marriage we walked side by side down the aisle at First Assembly of God Church in Montgomery, Alabama and accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior.

Shortly afterward I attended a women’s Bible study. The teacher used the book, You Can Be the Wife of a Happy Husband, by Darien Cooper. We learned to restructure our thinking to make our husbands happy instead of forcing them to make us happy. It was the beginning of the ‘happily ever after’ in my marriage . . . with a few detours along the way . . . well, maybe a few more than just a few!

Even though I had been married for twelve years, as a new believer I had a lot to learn about being a Christian wife. What I learned made perfect sense and when I put it into practice, I was delightfully surprised. Of course it took time, prayer, and a concerted effort for me not to fall back into my old patterns. Eventually my focus was not forced but readily changed with the help of the Holy Spirit.

When Ron quit smoking and drinking (two of my biggest complaints) my fussing was cut in half. I’m sure I don’t need to go into all the details of ‘fussing.’ Suffice it to say that every couple has their own set of issues.

What I learned from this Bible study was ‘how’ to go about making Ron happy with the result that he, in turn, would want to reciprocate.

I don’t know why men are so resistant to change. Maybe it’s that ‘macho,’ head-of-the-house mindset. I calmly began to concede over minor things that ordinarily would have escalated into an argument. As I put these new revelations into practice, a ‘happy husband’ emerged. Our household was more peaceful when I avoided petty little quarrels. As a result, harmony became the norm.

Oh, there were still times when I would ‘lose it’ but Ron noticed they had become few and far between. When I did get upset, he was the one who would try to smooth things over. In other words, he began to reciprocate. Our marriage took on a loving quality and we enjoyed each other’s company more than any others.

I miss my best friend.

LIFE TO CONSIDER . . .

It is my desire to have a happy marriage and live with a contented husband.  My marriage is for life; therefore I will consider . . .

Am I reading and studying marriage and relationships in the Bible?  If so, what have I learned?

Am I doing any outside reading on marriage and relationships?  If so, what have I learned?

Am I putting into practice what I’ve learned from the Bible and from my outside reading?  If not, why not?

A WIDOW'S ADVICE TO YOUNG WIVES Chapter 6

© Danna Shirley

Gossip with the girls . . .

Is it part of our female makeup to routinely insert complaints about our husbands into the conversation? When the girls get together, there is that inevitable remark here and criticism there about what he did or didn’t, say or do recently; each contributing a similar account of their own and each trying to top the previous husband’s offense. “You’ll never guess what my husband did last night . . .” we would begin as we fed off of each other.

With the Bible study fresh in my mind and the Holy Spirit quick to convict, I began to quietly critique our chit chat. What a shock! We all had something critical and uncomplimentary to say. I began to examine my past conversations and all the grievances I had expressed about my husband. I was ashamed and embarrassed as I realized that he deserved better. I should have been praising him and holding him up admiringly, which is exactly how I feel about him now that he’s gone.

I should have kept quiet and nonchalantly dismissed myself when those confabs arose or at the very least prayed silently for those marriages. Words shape opinions and when finally meeting the man in question, my outlook was ‘poor husband’ instead of ‘poor wife.’

Today, when I hear wives begin their routine grievances, I am quick to insert . . . “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with your husband but at least you have him. I would give anything to have Ron back and never complain again!”

. . . silence!

(Note: I realize some wives have far more serious issues than the usual petty arguments mentioned here. Please use wisdom in this area.)

 LIFE TO CONSIDER . . .

It is my desire to have a happy marriage and live with a contented husband.  My marriage is for life; therefore I will consider . . .

What does the Bible say about the tongue? 

Psalm 34:13-15 and 50:19-21 

Proverbs 18:21 and 21:23  

Matthew 12:36-37 

Romans 2:1 

Ephesians 4:29-32  

2 Timothy 2:16-17  

James 3:8-10  

1 Peter 2:1 and 3:8-12 

A WIDOW'S ADVICE TO YOUNG WIVES Chapter 7

© Danna Shirley

The finances . . .

I was neither a spendthrift nor extravagant. I did not squander Ron’s paycheck. I would cringe, however, when he would ask for the balance in our checkbook. A lengthy conversation would follow with me defending every purchase I made and every dollar I spent. Ron couldn’t understand where all the money was going.

What was so ironic to me is I felt that he was the culprit doing all the frivolous spending. On what, you might ask? Well, he worked hard all week and insisted that he needed a night out to unwind so every Friday was date night. 

I know some wives would be delirious over a date night but after a year or so of watching our checkbook balance dwindle paying for a sitter, a meal, popcorn and a movie every week, it was not special to me anymore. I remember praying, “Oh, God, please release me from this checkbook. P-l-e-a-s-e!” I just knew if Ron asked me one more time for the balance, I was going to throw it at him!

Well, the day finally arrived, but instead of throwing the checkbook at him, he had the audacity to ask me to give it up—he would pay the bills from now on and give me an allowance!

“WHAT!!!” I protested! “An AL-LOW-ANCE!” I could hardly find the words—I was being cut off from the checkbook! After twenty minutes or so of heated conflict resolution, God spoke to me in that still, small voice as only He can, “Isn’t this what you prayed for? Why are you upset?”

With these words ringing in my spirit I calmly smiled and sat back amused. Yes, this was exactly what I had prayed for, to be released from having to defend myself over the finances.

Unfortunately, Ron’s idea of an allowance wasn’t at all the amount that I needed to run the household. He was only considering food in the budget while I knew our needs stretched far beyond that. So I asked him to go with me to shop for food and to Wal-Mart for the other incidentals. I made sure that his wants and needs were included on my list.

Of course, on these particular trips, I needed simply everything . . .  milk, bread, flour, sugar, tea, coffee, cereal, meat, fruit, vegetables, etc., etc. and at Wal-Mart I needed simply everything . . . shampoo, deodorant, razor blades, shaving cream, toothpaste, toilet paper, etc., etc. I wanted this shopping trip to give him a genuine, factual education of just how much was needed to run a household.

With all the input now available, Ron sat down with calculator in hand to work miracles with the checkbook. After handling the finances for only one month, he announced that date night was being cancelled until further notice. We couldn’t afford it! 

Eventually the kids grew up, Ron got raises and I went to work, the bills got paid and we had some breathing room with our expenses. Friday night out was reinstated and date night became very special to us!

What a wonderful blessing it would be to have date night once again. It is lonely eating by myself and even worse to be in a dark theater and watch couples sitting together all around me.

LIFE TO CONSIDER . . .

It is my desire to have a happy marriage and live with a contented husband.  My marriage is for life; therefore I will consider . . .

Am I doing all I can to be a good steward of our household finances?

Do we sit down together as a couple and discuss our monthly income and expenditures? 

How can I help to improve our financial situation?

A WIDOW'S ADVICE TO YOUNG WIVES Chapter 8

© Danna Shirley

Taking him for granted . . .

Some widows choose not to remain in the house they shared with their husband. It is too difficult and distressing to be there alone.

One widow told me she stays with her daughter every Thursday night because her husband died on a Thursday.

Another moved into her guest bedroom because she couldn’t sleep alone in the bed they had shared.

After relating their feelings, I wondered if my reaction wasn’t normal. I moved over to Ron’s side of the bed. I even slept on his pillow. I wanted to get as close to his memory as I could. God brought comfort to me there.

I miss being kissed and hugged and patted and loved. I’m sure we’ve all used the, “Not tonight, Dear,” routine, but now I would give anything to have him beside me once again.

Ron was unselfish in his gifts. He allowed me to go and do and buy. The five years we lived in Japan he worked long hours and I ‘played’ with my friends . . . shopping, lunch, more shopping. Looking back now, I know I didn’t show him the gratitude he deserved, I didn’t consider the freedom he gave me, I didn’t express my thanks sufficiently. No, I just assumed it was my right and his obligation.

All of these feelings add up to one thing . . . ‘taking him for granted’ sets in and the wish that I could say and do all that I should have when he was still with me. But you have that opportunity now; don’t overlook it, don’t ignore it, don’t dismiss it!

LIFE TO CONSIDER . . .

It is my desire to have a happy marriage and live with a contented husband.  My marriage is for life; therefore I will consider . . . 

During those times that I have taken my husband for granted, I will think of ways I can view him differently and make every effort to value him.

How can I express my gratitude even for the little things? 

How can I deliberately show my appreciation?  

A WIDOW'S ADVICE TO YOUNG WIVES Chapter 9

© Danna Shirley

He made me laugh . . .

Ron had a great sense of humor and a very quick wit. He could keep such a straight face even when he knew I was going to break down in tears. Then he would look at me soberly and say, “You’re too easy!” J 

Of course you know the husband is never wrong and he’ll be the first one to tell you that it’s not his fault and even if it is his fault, it’s only because his wife caused it.

When it came to being wrong, Ron would never admit it, never apologize for it, and in some way, shape, or form, would find a way to blame me for it! It is the same principle as him never getting lost; therefore, why should he stop and ask directions. It’s a man thing.

Occasionally he would cut an article out of the newspaper and then leave it in the middle of the junk mail that was to be tossed. (We lost one of his paychecks that way.) Sometimes he might open important mail and leave it lying around for a week and then ask me what I did with it. I cringed every time he started a sentence with, “Where did YOU put . . . whatever?” 

I began to fight back.  When he would hand me a VIP (very important paper) to file, I would say, “Now I’m putting it right here in this folder marked “Whatever” and I’m putting it in the second file drawer in the office, and the next time you want me to find it, YOU tell ME where I put it.” 

It became a game with us and eventually we would have a good laugh. One day I found the perfect cartoon. It hung on the refrigerator for a long time and I would point to it whenever he said, “Where did YOU . . .”

It depicts a husband and wife sitting in their living room. She is reclining against the arm of the couch with her feet up talking on the telephone and he is sitting in his easy chair with a down-in-the-mouth look on his face. She is exclaiming to her friend, “He’s recuperating from having been wrong.” J

Ron was a shy person but deep down, once you got to know him, he was quite a character. He did not, however, let too many people see that side of him. He would avoid contact with anyone, or shall I say anyone with whom I could make contact in his place.

He conducted his professional life with excellence and was as comfortable with Admirals as with rednecks. He could converse with each as if he belonged in that world. However, getting on the phone with a stranger about something trivial would cause him to balk every time. It was always, “Call them and say . . .”

“Ro-o-on, you know they’re going to ask me questions I can’t answer.  Why don’t you just talk to them yourself?”

“No, you call them!” 

“Ro-o-on, I hate this! I always have to stop and ask you and relay the answer. Please talk to them yourself. P-l-e-a-s-e.”

“No, you call them!”

And back and forth it would go until I picked up the phone and dialed. Sure enough there were the inevitable questions: what size? how many? aluminum or plastic? and with each question I would turn to Ron for the answer. When I would try to give him the phone, he would shake his head and hold up his hand with a definite ‘No!’

Then a Dilbert cartoon came along describing our lives to a ‘T.’ I think Scott Adams must have lived this situation . . .

The Boss waylays Dilbert in the hall and tells him to call a vendor and order the third thing they talked about. Dilbert’s reply, “Okay. That will save two minutes of your valuable time. When the vendor asks me dozens of questions should I just guess at the answers? Or would you prefer to spend an hour giving me enough background so you can avoid a two-minute call? You know what’s funny? This conversation lasted a minute . . . and there are two of us.”  Then the Boss says, “Are you done?” Dilbert looks down at the note in his hand and replies, “I think you wrote down your own phone number.”

As I mentioned, Ron did not like to socialize, especially with people he didn’t know. He disliked the process that it took to get acquainted with others and felt very out of place and put on the spot trying to make small talk. 

From the beginning, I was under strict orders never to accept an invitation as a couple without asking him first. Sometimes he would attend, sometimes I would go alone. When he did consent to get together with friends, it was because I begged and cajoled him. Then I was again under strict orders to make the evening short and sweet. He would rehearse his ‘exit strategy’ with me and we even got our dialog down to an art. It was funny how we would run across cartoons that mimicked our lives. I had several on the refrigerator at any given time.

Ron would raise one eyebrow and give me a little wink and I knew exactly what he meant. It made my day. I wish I had written down everything he said that made me laugh. I thought I would always remember and I thought he would be here to make me laugh forever.

LIFE TO CONSIDER . . .

It is my desire to have a happy marriage and live with a contented husband.  My marriage is for life; therefore I will consider . . .

How can I keep the joy in our lives?  in our marriage?

I will remember those first days of falling in love and recapture that happiness by . . .

I will bring back our honeymoon experience by . . . 

A WIDOW'S ADVICE TO YOUNG WIVES Chapter 10

© Danna Shirley

Regrets . . .

I’ve had a few over the years but it’s not my intention to review them here. I do, however, want to share my regrets during Ron’s last few months of life.

Two people can get very comfortable with each other after thirty-four years of marriage. We had an empty nest and had grown content, enjoying our warm and cozy, quiet and peaceful life together. We had worked hard, he more than I, and every so often he would calculate our finances to the exact date we could retire and still live well on our savings. 

We moved effortlessly through our daily routine. At night we came together to share a meal, listen to the news, and watch television. I would crochet or get on the computer or talk on the phone.

Ron had a cough that hung on for a few months after he recovered from the flu. I didn’t notice it too much because he always cleared his throat. It wasn’t until he complained of chest pain that I paid closer attention.

“If you’re hurting that much,” I said, “then go to the doctor,” but being the stubborn man that he was, I knew he wouldn’t, so there was no sense pressing it. My first regret!

Ron had a tremendous work ethic and because he was employed in the defense industry, he had a strong commitment to his job, to the ship, to the sailors, and to his country. Every day was harder and harder on him physically. By the time he sought medical help, the cough had escalated. When he was diagnosed with pneumonia, the doctor wanted to put him in the hospital but he refused.  Why? America was on the verge of the Iraqi War and the work he did was vital to our nation’s defense. Ron died February 20, 2003. Twenty-eight days later the war began on March 20^th. I consider him an additional casualty of the 9-11 war against our country.

Ron had his five prescriptions filled on Tuesday and called his boss that he would be out on Wednesday but would return to work on Thursday. Wednesday morning I woke to find him barely able to sit up on the side of the bed. I begged him to go to the Emergency Room but he insisted he wanted to give the medication time to work. I left him at home alone on what would become the last day of his life. Regret!

I should have called in sick. I should have stayed home to take care of him. I should have insisted that he go to the ER. I should have, should have, should have . . . Regret! Regret! Regret!

I called often throughout that day; he was in a lot of pain. When I arrived home after work, I found him sleeping. He got up once and we talked for a short time.  He went back to bed and I slept in the guest bedroom so I wouldn’t disturb what small amount of sleep he was able to get. I didn’t even kiss him goodnight. Regret!

I slept peacefully in the other room, never waking, which was unusual for me. Thursday morning I went into our dark bedroom to get ready for work. I passed by our bed several times thinking that I mustn’t disturb him. I didn’t notice the stillness in the room.

I was ready to walk out the door when God spoke to me so clearly, “You need to try and wake up Ron.” When I heard in my spirit the word “try,” I knew immediately something was wrong.

I couldn’t see him in the dark but when I touched him, he was cold. I knew he was gone but I expected my continual shaking to awaken him. He died in his sleep, alone, in our bed, without me. Regret!

I do praise God for the comfort and peace that only He could bring during those first difficult days and weeks. God is sovereign and I have received great comfort from the Lord knowing that . . .

*   Ron is no longer in constant pain from fibromyalgia.

*   God knows the end from the beginning and I trust and believe that His wisdom has prevailed.

*   God could have aroused me that night; awakened my spirit to go to Ron, but He let me sleep so peacefully. It was almost as if He and Ron were having a special time together; like they were         taking care of business.

*   God is in control and if He had wanted a different outcome, we would have had a different outcome.

*   Ron is in heaven and I’ll be with him again some day. 

When I have the opportunity, I tell other stubborn men that if my husband knew he was leaving me a widow at age fifty-four, he would have sought medical help sooner!  Regret!

Our three granddaughters will never know their ‘Pop.’  Regret!

One of Ron’s co-workers, Bill Robinson, could not get a flight out of Michigan to come to the memorial service but he sent me the following e-mail a few days later. I treasure these words of admiration about my husband  . . .

      To put things into perspective, Ron and I had worked very near each other at the Aegis Test Team in Pascagoula for a couple of years. We were both the head-down, trying to solve problems type, so we really never had much interaction until we got swept up into the Japanese AEGIS program.

      Ron’s demeanor and attitude are what made him immediately stand out. He was pure solution without trying to promote himself or “get off easy” by spending energy politicking and benefiting from other people’s work. Sir Isaac Newton, in speaking of his own great accomplishments had said, “If I can see so far, it is because I am standing on the shoulders of giants” . . . He was speaking of intelligence giants like Ron.

      Ron just oozed with integrity. His word and motives were far beyond question.  If a man is only as good as his word, I know of no one who comes close to Ron. People would just instinctively know that Ron was a person of such caliber. On many occasions I grinned in amazement to watch people of high importance  just  hang on every  word  Ron spoke, as  he gave his opinion or analysis on some multi-million  dollar, hundreds-of-people  problem.  Never   would it be necessary to mull over Ron’s words, wondering if he was embellishing in search of the limelight. Ron was the symbol of unselfish excellence within the AEGIS world.  His motives were beyond reproach. I know of no other in such a highly competitive arena that had the same credibility.

      We spent lots of time together in the dark corners of warships. Staying out of the way, yet just waiting to be overrun with panicked managers, engineers, officers, and sailors who wanted an explanation for some major event that was unfolding in the highly complex AEGIS world . . . Mach 3 missiles flying (or not flying), guns tracking, aircraft screaming, radios and radars buzzing.  We would work 24 hours straight (Saturday, Sunday), no matter what it took to provide the answer; everyone depended on our work and we would never fail. When the panic subsided, we would go back to a dark corner, talk about our families, and our great plans for fishing. This last observation I would say is the mark of a true yet simple family man. He loved meeting the challenge of a highly technical occupation, yet family and the simple things in life are where his thoughts and heart were centered.

      While away from home, non-working hours were just as simple. Never a flashy rental car or luxury hotel; Ron would seek the simple places. Time was spent reading books about fishing or the stock market (no one was standing in line for our opinions here). When we had to get out, we would spend the day at one of those multi-movie theaters just going from movie to movie, mostly just marking time until we got home.

      On many of these adventures we suffered together; dragging luggage through airports and on/off helicopters, horrible food, horrible conditions, no sleep, no showers, cramped, cold, sick, and tired. On several occasions we put our high-powered analytical skills together to ponder our decisions to be there. We always concluded everyone was wrong about us . . . we were not intelligent men! Somehow we always got each other through it, usually with a smile and a great sense of satisfaction. I looked up to Ron like a big brother. As men go, he was a truly great one. I will deeply miss him.

The children and I sprinkled Ron’s ashes in the Mississippi Gulf Coast waters where he loved to fish. I was blessed to be loved by this man. He was genuinely the love of my life!

  

LIFE TO CONSIDER . . .

It is my desire to have a happy marriage and live with a contented husband.  My marriage is for life; therefore I will consider . . .

What can I do to keep my husband young and feeling vibrant?

What can I do to keep my husband active?

What can I do to keep my husband healthy?

(continued to chapters 11 thru 14)