How Do I Get Through Loss

I, Danna, received the following email from a relative that had lost her husband six months earlier. Since I could relate to her grief having lost my own husband, Ron, twenty years ago, she thought I would have some words of wisdom to help her get through this tremendous loss. 

She asked several questions that I tried to answer according to my own process and how God helped me. I have written her question first and then my answer. I will not use their real names for privacy reasons; I will call them John and Mary.

My reply to her email:

I’ve been praying how to answer everything you mentioned. Maybe you’ve come to me because I’ve lived through what you’re going through now. Maybe you think I have some answers to help you get through this…but Honey, everyone deals with it differently. I can only point you to the Lord and to the Holy Spirit’s comfort.

If we can revisit every one of your thoughts, you might see clearly that satan has laid a guilt trip on you so you will never find peace about this. He has stirred up in your thinking all kinds of anguish, regret, blame, and torment to keep your focus off of God and His healing power and on everything you think YOU COULD HAVE DONE. The answer is there is NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE!

We are all appointed a number of days in this life. God is in control. I know you’re suffering but if you will think of John, he is in heaven with his Savior…no more pain, no more injections, no more concern or worry about diabetes, NO MORE SUFFERING! And you will be with him some day because you made the most wonderful decision of your life years ago…Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior.

If we compare my losing Ron to you losing John, I would have much worse regrets than you because you did everything right and I did nothing right.

Mary: If I would have asked God more or harder, He may have given John back to me?

Me: I was sleeping in the other room when God and Ron were having their last moments on this earth together. I had no chance to ask God anything. Ron had been gone for hours before I found him. However, in a split second you jumped into action. No one could have been any faster. 

Mary: I feel I did something wrong.

Me: I shoulda, coulda, woulda…if I’d only known what was happening in his body but I was clueless because Ron never shared the extent of his pain. Even the doctor knew he had pneumonia but couldn’t convince him to go in the hospital.

Mary: Should I have called 911 faster?

Me: I got up, showered, dressed, walked by our bed several times thinking Ron was sleeping so I didn’t want to disturb him. I was ready to walk out the door and go to work when GOD had to get my attention to check on him. Then I called 911.

Mary: Should I have pushed harder during CPR?

Me: The 911 operator told me to get Ron out of bed and lie him flat on the floor. I can’t remember anything after that. I had a CPR lesson at the Fire Dept but Ron was already cold to the touch. The paramedics arrived.

Mary: If I had pleaded to the Lord more?

Me: Ron was gone. I was numb. I called my pastor and just sat in the living room and waited for him to arrive and then more ladies from the church arrived. I had no thoughts of what to do next. I let everyone else just carry me along.

Mary: I should have gone to the doctor with John!

Me: Ron had been sick for weeks before he finally went to the doctor the day before he died. He would have never let me go with him. I didn’t know the doctor wanted to put him in the hospital until he came to the funeral and told me. If only Ron would have told me how much he was hurting; breathing was difficult and painful. So why didn’t he go to the doctor sooner. Why didn't he go to the hospital? Why didn’t I question him more. But I couldn’t ask God “why” because there was no answer that would satisfy. I had to give it to God and let it go.

Mary: Is it my fault John's doctor didn’t catch his blockage earlier?

Me: How can you blame yourself for what the doctor didn’t do? She’s the one that was supposed to be knowledgeable about John's health.

I guess I could have blamed Ron’s doctor but Ron made these decisions himself. If I had forced myself on him to go to the doctor or made him go to the ER later that night, our last moments together would have been a fight because he was a stubborn man, like all stubborn men. I would only have that memory as our last time together. You have good memories and I hang on to my good memories, too.

Mary: I could have just texted the doctor before John showed up.

Me: The doctor already knew Ron had pneumonia and should be hospitalized. MAYBE if he had said, “You’ll die if I don’t put you in the hospital,” it might have made Ron realize he was on the verge of death…MAYBE the doctor did tell him that. I don’t know. Ron refused to go. He had a tremendous work ethic and fully intended to be better in a day or so and go back to work.

Mary: What am I supposed to do?

Me:  I would focus on the good years you had with John, the blessings of a good marriage and the grandchildren he gave you. I don’t want to just spout obvious scriptures but there is comfort in the Word of God.

*  Mary, you’re mentally under attack from the enemy telling you lies. Rebuke him in Jesus’ name. Get thee behind me satan!

*  Mary, put the armor of the breastplate over your heart so the fiery darts of the enemy’s lies will fall to the ground ineffective. 

*  Mary, think on these things: the true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, and excellence of a godly husband, John, and be thankful.

So, what would God have you to do now, Mary? 

Is there a purpose for you now, Mary? 

Yes, find it and walk in it.  

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts Mary in all her troubles, so that Mary can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort Mary herself has received from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also Mary 's comfort abounds through Christ.” (2 Cor 1:3-5 NIV)

I hope this helps, Honey. I'm always here when you want to talk. Love you...

Mary's reply to my email:

Thank you for all of your answers. I had been asking God daily to heal my heart and let me get thru this day. The last week or so I have been so busy with yard work here and have forgotten to ask God to help me. I think that’s when the doubt really started creeping in (Satan). I will get back to a daily talk with the Lord. He has given me signs and I have seen them with my own eyes. He is watching me, I just need to let Him lead me. It is so hard to think that John is never going to walk through that door again, it just crushes me. 

Love you so much...