Friday, June 5, 2015

Joke unknown but here's your laugh for the day...

THE CHILI COOKOFF
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
ME: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
ME: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
ME: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
ME: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
ME: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
ME: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
ME: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
ME: Momma...

Monday, May 25, 2015

WORDS

by Danna Shirley

Authors create comedy, drama, and romance with the written WORD.

Actors take those WORDS and bring to life the emotions of laughter, tears, and love in the human heart.

WORDS are powerful and record the very voice of our fears, our hopes, our dreams… our very humanity.

So be careful with your WORDS "For, whoever would love life and see good days must keep [his] tongue from evil and [his] lips from deceitful speech."  (1 Peter 3:10)

Friday, May 1, 2015

WHEN HOME LEFT MY DAUGHTER

Danna Shirley

            I guess the usual process of a child’s progression to maturity is to be born into a family, attend school, graduate, and leave home for college. For my daughter, however, it was just the opposite. She didn’t leave home . . . home left her!
            Kristen’s best friends were Kristy Reynolds and Dana Lyons. Kristy was an only child and Dana the middle child of three. Kristen was like the sister Kristy never had and like a daughter to her parents, Terry and Anna Reynolds. There were lots of sleepovers and shared experiences as these three were growing up. Even when Kristen married, she had co-maids of honor, Kristy and Dana, because she couldn’t choose between them. 
            After graduation from Vancleave High School in 1989, Kristen remained at home while she attended our local junior college for two years. Just as she was planning her next move our family made its next move . . . to Japan. My husband Ron had been offered a great opportunity with his company and we decided a two-year term overseas would not interfere with Kristen’s plans to move into the dorm at the University of Southern Mississippi in Hattiesburg. When she was between semesters and on Christmas break, she would join us in Japan. What none of us considered, however, were her empty weekends? Hattiesburg was just ninety minutes away but she would have no place to come home to between Friday afternoon and Sunday evening.
            When Terry and Anna heard that she would be staying in the dorm 24/7, they quickly came to our rescue. They had already been treating her has a second daughter for some time so it was no jump at all to invite her to their home for weekends. She had her own bedroom and key and came and went as she pleased. Not only did they adopt her but the entire Reynolds family became hers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, all of them regarded her as family.   
            When Ron had a two-week stay in Hawaii for sea trials during Christmas of 1993, my sons Russ and Aaron, and I tagged along from Japan and Kristen and Kristy flew over from Mississippi and met us. It was a special treat for both the girls and for the whole family as well. While Ron worked, we played and when he was able, he joined us. We took the girls parasailing, the boys rode ski-doos, and of course there was the inevitable luau. It was a memorable trip for us all.
          Ron and I were so grateful for the Reynolds’ care of our daughter because our two years in Japan stretched into five. We never worried that Kristen was alone or lonely for she was well loved. Even today, she considers Terry and Anna as her second father and mother. They sat in the front pew, bride’s side, at her wedding right along with Ron and me. They receive cards, calls, e-mails, and pictures of the grandgirls, Emma and Bella, just as I do. Home may have left our daughter but she found a new one in Gautier, Mississippi.

WHAT IF WE COULDN’T CRY?

Danna Shirley

That is a good question.  It happened to me.  I had been going through the usual hot flashes for several years when suddenly an overflow of tears was added to the mix.  I cried at the oddest times over absolutely nothing.  This went on for a few months until I pulled into my garage one afternoon, sat and gripped the steering wheel, and sobbed uncontrollably.  I finally called my daughter and confessed my emotional upheaval.  “Honey, I can’t live like this! I guess I should go see a doctor.”

The appointment was made.  Dr. Crenshaw listened to me through tears and then did the blood work.  I was in the throes of menopause.  Duh!!!  He prescribed an anti-depressant that would help level out my emotional roller coaster.  The first pill worked wonders.  My tears dried up and I felt sane again.

I went on like this for a few weeks and then I noticed that I wasn’t crying . . . AT ALL!  Even during times that I knew I should be crying; should have some kind of emotional response.  I called my daughter again.  “Honey, I can’t live like this!”

I had talked to a friend whose father had died . . . no response.
I watched a sad movie . . . no response.
I watched a happy movie . . . no response.

All these events would have normally brought tears as I shared in the other person’s emotions but there was no response.  I hated NOT crying even worse than when I WAS crying.

I cut down the dosage of my medication.  Over a period of eight months I reduced it until I was taking only ¼ of a pill every third day, then finally discontinued it altogether.

Now I feel that I am back to normal.  I cry when it is appropriate but I’m not a basket case anymore.

Yes, tears are necessary.  They are a good thing.  A good cry is refreshing and cleanses out the emotions we sometimes hold inside.  I will always want to be able to cry.